Thursday, February 28, 2008
I hate....
[Rihanna:]
That's how much I love you
That's how much I need you
And I can't stand you
Most everything you do make me wanna smile
Can I not like you for awhile? (No....)
[Ne-Yo:]
But you won't let me
You upset me girl
And then you kiss my lips
All of a sudden I forget (that I was upset)
Can't remember what you did
[Rihanna:]
But I hate it...
You know exactly what to do
So that I can't stay mad at you
For too long that's wrong
[Ne-Yo:]
But I hate it...
You know exactly how to touch
So that I don't want to fuss.. and fight no more
Said I despise that I adore you
[Rihanna:]
And I hate how much I love you boy (yeah...)
I can't stand how much I need you (I need you...)
And I hate how much I love you boy (oh whoa..)
But I just can't let you go
And I hate that I love you so (oooh..)
[Ne-Yo:]
You completely know the power that you have
The only one makes me laugh
[Rihanna:]
Said it's not fair
How you take advantage of the fact
That I... love you beyond the reason why
And it just ain't right
[Ne-Yo:]
And I hate how much I love you girl
I can't stand how much I need you (yeah..)
And I hate how much I love you girl
But I just can't let you go
But I hate that I love you so
[Both:]
One of these days maybe your magic won't affect me
And your kiss won't make me weak
But no one in this world knows me the way you know me
So you'll probably always have a spell on me...
[Ne-Yo:]
Yeaahhh... Oohh...
[Rihanna:]
That's how much I love you (as much as I need you)
That's how much I need you (oooh..)
That's how much I love you (oh..)
As much as I need you
[Rihanna:]
And I hate that I love you so
And I hate how much I love you boy
I can't stand how much I need you (can't stand how much I need you)
And I hate how much I love you boy
But I just can't let you go (but I just can't let you go no..)
And I hate that I love you so
And I hate that I love you so.. so...
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
My brother is ALWAYS sharing some knowledge...
"Leo men aren't nuts...they just drive women nuts."
mm.
He's always on point!
mm.
He's always on point!
Sunday, February 24, 2008
So why are you single, he asks...
This was triggered by a convo I had with J and Onya's myspace blog...
So he asks me whats up with me...and more to the point, why I'm single...there could be so MANY answers, but after thinking about it a little bit more, a lot of those answers are connected to him, in some form or fashion...
I'm stealing these from Onya...
-I can be high maintenance and moody without apologies or notice
-He wanted to be THE man instead of A man
-I like to see who he is when the "representative" goes away
-Neither of us wanted to give in first
-He didn't think I was enough
-I knew I was
-He was a coward and left with no notice or explanation
-I technically can't date his friends
-He picked women who didn't expect much
-I wanted and needed him to be a man
-Actions speak louder than words and he was lazy and loquacious
-I keep picking the wrong ones (my friends pointed this one out)
-Even when he was there, he wasn't
-I knew him better than he thought I did and that freaked him out
first of all...ONYA was RIGHT on with these reasons above...and they apply to me and my situation and more specifically... J...
I'm single because every time he comes calling, I'm available, in spite of everything listed above. He has this special place in my heart that grants him "Jordan status" on my squad (forgive the cliche bball analogy, but, its spot on). You see Jordan is the player that can retire but make a comeback at ANY time.
I'm single because I love hard, and fast and fall out of love even harder and faster, except when it came to him. There were others that I was able to just cut out, like it was nothing, just put them on a shelf, never to be seen again. But not J. Even through the years I didn't speak to him, he wasn't far from my thoughts. An innocent conversation about college, the team, the good old days would easily bring him back to the fore front of my mind, and have my mental slightly askew for a week, sometimes longer.
I'm single because I've always known the man he could be, if he stopped putting his "representative" out there. Maybe because I've always known him better than he thought I did and understood him in a way no one else really could.
But the fact of the matter is, he still left and no one else that followed him, was him.
So he asks me whats up with me...and more to the point, why I'm single...there could be so MANY answers, but after thinking about it a little bit more, a lot of those answers are connected to him, in some form or fashion...
I'm stealing these from Onya...
-I can be high maintenance and moody without apologies or notice
-He wanted to be THE man instead of A man
-I like to see who he is when the "representative" goes away
-Neither of us wanted to give in first
-He didn't think I was enough
-I knew I was
-He was a coward and left with no notice or explanation
-I technically can't date his friends
-He picked women who didn't expect much
-I wanted and needed him to be a man
-Actions speak louder than words and he was lazy and loquacious
-I keep picking the wrong ones (my friends pointed this one out)
-Even when he was there, he wasn't
-I knew him better than he thought I did and that freaked him out
first of all...ONYA was RIGHT on with these reasons above...and they apply to me and my situation and more specifically... J...
I'm single because every time he comes calling, I'm available, in spite of everything listed above. He has this special place in my heart that grants him "Jordan status" on my squad (forgive the cliche bball analogy, but, its spot on). You see Jordan is the player that can retire but make a comeback at ANY time.
I'm single because I love hard, and fast and fall out of love even harder and faster, except when it came to him. There were others that I was able to just cut out, like it was nothing, just put them on a shelf, never to be seen again. But not J. Even through the years I didn't speak to him, he wasn't far from my thoughts. An innocent conversation about college, the team, the good old days would easily bring him back to the fore front of my mind, and have my mental slightly askew for a week, sometimes longer.
I'm single because I've always known the man he could be, if he stopped putting his "representative" out there. Maybe because I've always known him better than he thought I did and understood him in a way no one else really could.
But the fact of the matter is, he still left and no one else that followed him, was him.
Friday, February 22, 2008
that one that got away...that won't stay gone...
The saga continues...
After feeling stupid about J's most recent disappearing act, he appeared again, somewhat out of the blue...
First...a little synopsis of the happening since my last J sighting...
Apparently, his phone was broken, and that's why I couldn't get in touch with him. He did change his voicemail to say this, which made me feel a little bit better, but he never did call back after I left a message. So, I was still upset, but resolved that he was just being him, following the same pattern that I've known for the past 10 years. Yep, it will have been 10 years...in April.
Finally, I get a call on Thursday....guess who?
All of my anger melted away, it was like I just forgot that he disappeared again. And as usual we picked back up like nothing happened. I was shocked when he told me he had tried to hunt down my contact info. He is NOT the type of guy to do that, not the type to let anyone really know his business, and certainly not the type to deal with the questions that would surely come from that sort of hunting.
We talked about what was going on in his life, and he opened up to me. This wasn't something new, us talking about private matters, but generally J only shared facts, we rarely got into the whys and hows and CERTAINLY not the feelings behind things. But this time was different. He told me one of his friends, from the old neighborhood, had recently taken his own life and it impacted him in a way I had never seen before. He opened up in a new way. We talked about loss and pain and depression and how we, specifically, deal with these things differently, he finally admitted what I've know for the longest time -he withdraws when he is upset and sometimes that borders on depression. I felt a sense of relief, partly because his withdrawals had a lot less to do with me than I feared and more importantly, because he recognized what he was doing and feeling.
We spoke about the decisions we both made in our lives and how those decisions impacted our futures - both as individuals and as a unit. He then said something that took my breath away. He said the decision he made to leave dc when he lost his campus housing, rather than staying with me and finishing school was the biggest mistake that he had ever made. WOW. I was speechless (only for a minute though). I have often wondered what would have happened if he had decided to stay with me. We would have moved in together, as friends, of course, but I'm pretty sure he would have only slept on the futon for so long. And then what would have happened...
I have my own regrets, too. I wish I would have let my ex go when J got into trouble, not just because I wanted J to stay with me and finish his education, but because he was not good for me. If I had escaped that relationship my life would have certainly taken a different route.
So the conversation ended with a promise to see each other in the next two weeks. I guess we'll see if he's the one that got away, or the one that got me.
After feeling stupid about J's most recent disappearing act, he appeared again, somewhat out of the blue...
First...a little synopsis of the happening since my last J sighting...
Apparently, his phone was broken, and that's why I couldn't get in touch with him. He did change his voicemail to say this, which made me feel a little bit better, but he never did call back after I left a message. So, I was still upset, but resolved that he was just being him, following the same pattern that I've known for the past 10 years. Yep, it will have been 10 years...in April.
Finally, I get a call on Thursday....guess who?
All of my anger melted away, it was like I just forgot that he disappeared again. And as usual we picked back up like nothing happened. I was shocked when he told me he had tried to hunt down my contact info. He is NOT the type of guy to do that, not the type to let anyone really know his business, and certainly not the type to deal with the questions that would surely come from that sort of hunting.
We talked about what was going on in his life, and he opened up to me. This wasn't something new, us talking about private matters, but generally J only shared facts, we rarely got into the whys and hows and CERTAINLY not the feelings behind things. But this time was different. He told me one of his friends, from the old neighborhood, had recently taken his own life and it impacted him in a way I had never seen before. He opened up in a new way. We talked about loss and pain and depression and how we, specifically, deal with these things differently, he finally admitted what I've know for the longest time -he withdraws when he is upset and sometimes that borders on depression. I felt a sense of relief, partly because his withdrawals had a lot less to do with me than I feared and more importantly, because he recognized what he was doing and feeling.
We spoke about the decisions we both made in our lives and how those decisions impacted our futures - both as individuals and as a unit. He then said something that took my breath away. He said the decision he made to leave dc when he lost his campus housing, rather than staying with me and finishing school was the biggest mistake that he had ever made. WOW. I was speechless (only for a minute though). I have often wondered what would have happened if he had decided to stay with me. We would have moved in together, as friends, of course, but I'm pretty sure he would have only slept on the futon for so long. And then what would have happened...
But that will forever just be a what if, because that didn't happen. What did happen is that we grew apart and now have just recently found each other again.
I have my own regrets, too. I wish I would have let my ex go when J got into trouble, not just because I wanted J to stay with me and finish his education, but because he was not good for me. If I had escaped that relationship my life would have certainly taken a different route.
So the conversation ended with a promise to see each other in the next two weeks. I guess we'll see if he's the one that got away, or the one that got me.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Dance with My Father Again - Luther Vandross
Back when I was a child, before life removed all the innocence
My father would lift me high and dance with my mother and me and then
Spin me around ‘til I fell asleep
Then up the stairs he would carry me
And I knew for sure I was loved
If I could get another chance, another walk, another dance with him
I’d play a song that would never, ever end
How I’d love, love, love
To dance with my father again
When I and my mother would disagree
To get my way, I would run from her to him
He’d make me laugh just to comfort me
Then finally make me do just what my mama said
Later that night when I was asleep
He left a dollar under my sheet
Never dreamed that he would be gone from me
If I could steal one final glance, one final step, one final dance with him
I’d play a song that would never, ever end
‘Cause I’d love, love, love
To dance with my father again
Sometimes I’d listen outside her door
And I’d hear how my mother cried for him
I pray for her even more than me
I pray for her even more than me
I know I’m praying for much too much
But could you send back the only man she loved
I know you don’t do it usually
But dear Lord she’s dying
To dance with my father again
Every night I fall asleep and this is all I ever dream
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