Fathers Day 6-18-06

Fathers Day
6-18-06

I should have a corny card for you

And a tie, a shirt, or some other gift you have no use for.

But you would smile graciously and tell me you love it anyway.

Like you’ve done so many years before.

Instead, I’m going to visit you, at the cemetery.

And I will only have my memories and my tears.

Its been a little over four months

But the hole in my heart hasn’t gotten any smaller.

Ever since you first got sick

I just feel as though everything has fallen apart.

Nothing has been quite right

And every time I allow myself to be hopeful that things are getting better

I am faced with another challenge.

Your spirit and your love has been what’s been pulling me through

But on days like today, its so hard here without you.

I just want to be able to sit on the couch with you, watch the Red Sox

And have you tell me its going to be ok.

By the way, they won today, and the Yankees lost.

Every time that happens I smile and think of you.

And that silly grin that would spread across your face

When you would say, “maybe this year.”

I guess the little things like that

Are your father’s day gift to me.

Thank you daddy, I hope you know

a day will never pass without you being on my mind or in my heart.

Never Ready 3/21/06

Never Ready

3/21/06

Its been almost two months now

But I still look for you when I walk in the house.

I expect to see you watching wrestling

Or dozing off.

Instead, I see your chair

And its empty.

And so is a place inside my heart.

Without you here it just doesn’t seem right.

Everyone says you are watching over me

And you are always with me.

But if that’s the case

Why do I feel so empty?

Your funeral was on Superbowl Sunday

We should have been watching the game together.

Instead our family was trying to find a way to comfort me

While I pretended I was okay.

I’m still pretending.

As strong as I’ve tried to be

As many times as I’ve tried to say I was ready.

I wasn’t.

And I’m not sure I will ever be.

I sat there and watched you stop breathing.

I wasn’t prepared for that.

I wasn’t prepared to say good bye.

February 2 - 2/2/06

February 2
2/2/06

I’m not quite sure I know how to get through this.

I seem to be going through the motions

And here and there, I allow myself to think about you no longer being here with me.

But I push those thoughts away quickly

I’m not quite ready to face what life is without you here.

You’ve been there every moment of my life.

Maybe not always literally, but I know I’ve always been in your heart.

I know that everything you’ve done has been for me.

You always worked to make my life better

Your fight over the past 3 months was more for me and mom than it was for you.

There is a terrible hole in my soul without you here.

And right now it is of little comfort that you are looking down upon me from Heaven.

I know I’m being selfish

But I’m not ready to let you go.

I feel that there was so much more for you to experience in life.

It hurts my heart to think you won’t be there to walk me down the aisle.

Or that you will never see grandchildren.

I have so much more I wanted to give you.

There were so many more ways for me to say thank you for raising me the way you did.

I know you were older – you were the oldest father in all my classes.

But you were My Daddy.

I’ve always adored you, even when I didn’t show it.

Like any other child, I was rebellious and stubborn.

And looking back I wish I wasn’t.

I wish I would have told you more that I love you.

And that you were the reason I’ve been so successful in my life.

I wish I would have told you how much of an impact you had on my life.

And that you made me into the woman I am today.

I only hope you realize how much I truly love and adore you.

Tears - 12/23/05

Tears

12/23/05

I wish all of the tears I’ve shed could heal you.

I would gladly trade places if that meant you would be yourself again.

Day after day I’ve watched you

Suffering

In pain

No longer the same man you were before this all started.

I keep asking you to fight

But I’m not sure if it is because I want that for you

Or that I want it for me.

Need it for me.

My tears are not just for your suffering.

They are my feeble attempt to fill this void in my heart.

I can see in your face and in your eyes the pain that you are in.

And I know that you are enduring it for me.

I want you to know

That I will not be mad at you if you can not endure it anymore.

I understand

Even through my tears.

The thought of losing you is overwhelming

But then I think of your pain

Your suffering

And I can no longer ask you to hang on.

Daddy I will understand

Even through my tears.

Full Circle - 12/21/05

Full circle

12/21/05

My entire life I’ve always turned to you.

My first words were calling you.

My first steps led me to you.

My first day of school was with you by my side.

My first triumph you celebrated.

My first failure you soothed the pain.

For every first, you were there, holding my hand and cheering me on.

I know you waited so long for me to come into your life

And once I arrived, you did everything within your power to protect me and care for me.

I was your priority, your little girl.

I remember going to see VoVo every Saturday with you and it would be our special time together.

I remember waiting at the end of the driveway every day for you to get home from work and how excited I was to see you.

I remember you were my shoulder to cry on when I lost my grandparents.

I remember how nervous you were when you brought me to DC for college.

I remember how proud you were on graduation day.

I am who I am because of all that you have given me.

And now I am an adult, and I hope you are proud of the woman I have become.

It is now my turn to be there as you turn to me.

I promise to stay by your side.

I promise to take care of Mom.

I promise to be there when you are ready to take those steps that will lead you to me.

I promise to celebrate your triumphs.

I promise to not allow any failure to set us back.

For however long it takes, I will be there, holding your hand and cheering you on.

Daddy

It will be two years on Friday, since you've been gone. And today is no easier than yesterday. And yesterday was no easier than the day I lost you. You are always in my heart and often on my mind. I miss you...and always will.

i love you daddy.

The one that got away....again

You've all read about my ONE that got away...and my story with him (J)...

Well that was September...and now its January...

I did a good job not talking to him, and not putting myself in a precarious position. You see, even after all this time he STILL gets to me. I still get butterflies and still get a little nervous.

However, with the new year came a new conversation...well... text message... on my birthday, no less.

"I'm moving...on my way to Boston....getting the hell out of Harlem"

Boston. An hour from me.

ut oh.

So we continue to text back and forth for a bit...

" We have unfinished business...thanks Tray for always being there for me"

"All I need is honesty, and loyalty...thats you. T, its time for us."

Happy Birthday, right?

So after about 2 hours of real talk in the car with my brother Scotty, I take my ass back to my hotel room, and talk to J. The conversation was pretty much consistent with the text messages. We were going to try to make something work, and I would come see him this weekend. He wanted to come down to DC...that would never have worked...I had parties and such planned, and if he came to DC, all of that would have been shut DOW-OWN (c) Franko and I would have been OUT of the streets, quickly.

The chit chat and text messages continued until Sunday, and then....
















Silence. Nothing.

No return text messages.

I finally called Wednesday and I got "Please hold while the nextel subscriber you are trying to reach is located" and then VOICE MAIL.

*sigh*

so now i feel like an asshole, buying in to all of this mess he was talking. Its now the end of the week, and I guess I don't have to worry about going to Boston. But every time I get a text message, I hope its him, even though I know its not...

I guess I called him the one that got away for a reason.

its 2008...

And I'm resolving not to repeat 2007...

its time to write more and get myself together a lil bit more....

so I'll start with the writing...